To My Love

15 march 2009

Dear Love,

I hope you watched that youtube video of us I sent you the other day. i also hope you go back and reread all the myspace messages you sent me and i sent you, as well as look at our pictures and read the love stories we wrote from our own perspectives. And I know you’re too stressed out now and caught up in the moment, but I do hope one day it makes you cry. Not because I think you deserve to feel pain, but because at least then I’d know you were at least a tiny bit human. I spent over a year of my life defending you, believing in you, supporting you. It makes me so sad that I fought so hard for you and it turned out you were exactly what everyone said you would be. You are a liar, manipulator, con artist, and selfish jerk. You played me big time. And what’s even sadder is that you are so messed up in the head that I’m sure you truly believe you never played me. after you and jenn broke up, I went onto your myspace to try and see what you were all about. That’s when I figured everything out. You had messages from Adriana, where you were telling her how much you hurt jenn and how sad you felt about it. You also had a picture of the two of you kissing on your profile. I then realized that you were playing me. you made me believe that she meant nothing to you and that the moment the baby was gone, you’d leave her for me. well, according to jenn’s bulletin, she had her period and you never called me. you never had any intention of making yourself a better man so you could marry me. that's so sad that i believed you with my whole heart. but don’t worry, because I’m happy you never called. Our breakup made me realize that I dodged a massive bullet with you. You are spiraling downward and until you reach rock bottom, you will not even consider getting help for yourself. I do not want to waste the few years of life I have on this earth trying to save a man, i mean "boy", who doesn’t want to be saved. So, in that respect, thank you for screwing me over. Because even though I am in more pain than I have ever felt, I am beginning to see that there is life after you, and shockingly enough, it might even be better. I am discovering who I am now. Last night I went out with alena and 4 girls I had never met before. We all went to second Saturday, that art walk they have in midtown. I had more fun last night than I have had in a long time. I realized that life is short and bittersweet and that I can find happiness even in the worst situations. I am going to start taking yoga, dabble in painting and possibly start traveling. Even though you always told me that you supported me, you never really did. You never encouraged me to try new things nor did you make me feel confident enough to want to do them. I am realizing that I don’t need you to feel confident. I know right now that you are really messed up in the head and cannot comprehend the extent of the damage you have created, but one day reality will hit you like a ton of bricks and you will realize that everyone has moved on except for you. I have no doubt in my mind that you can do and get whatever you want, but if try to win me back, you will fail. I deserve to be a man’s number one, not his number two. You only called me when you and jenn were fighting and you wanted a break. I deserve a man who will call me when he’s having the best time of his life, because I am so important to him that he would gladly take a minute just to say hi and that he was thinking about me. I deserve a man who will buy me calla lilies on a random Tuesday afternoon. I deserve a man who means it when he says he wants to take care of me and give me foot rubs. You really are like obama, all talk and no action. I am so excited for the day you realize you have control over your own life and you start actually trying to live it for yourself. When that day comes, call me. because like I told you years ago, I always want to be a part of your life. But you ruined the possibility for us to ever be together again. That mark on your neck will be a constant reminder for the rest of your life of how badly you hurt the people who cared the most about you. and guess what? I am going to be your only ex-girlfriend who doesn’t want you back, because the bad times between you and I definitely outweigh any good times we had. And if you think you want to try and win me back, read the lyrics to these songs so you’ll know how I feel: “what goes around…comes around” justin timberlake, “never again” justin timberlake, “take a bow” rihanna, and “white horse” taylor swift. Goodbye. And even though it’s hard for us to see the light at the end of the tunnel, my future husband thanks you so much for letting me go. Because of your stupid, selfish mistakes, he will get his happy ending and so will i.

Love, ash