“Life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride”

Those words have never rung more true. A part of me wants to give up and spiral downward, like my other half is doing right now. I want to be a tragedy and give up on life completely. I want the world to know, especially him, that when our love died, I died. I want him to come to my funeral and stand there and realize he killed me. I want the pain of his guilt to pierce his soul and make him buckle at the knees. I want to mean something to him and I want him to know that I gave him everything of me and he killed it. Most of all, I just want his attention. I want to be important in his eyes. I want what we had back. I want to feel like his one and only again. Those are all wants, though. What I really need is to find my own happiness. And I need to move on, because by me leaving it up to him to make me feel better, I am giving him power over me. I cannot change what he has done or how he feels, but I sure can change what I do and how I react. I need to realize that as sad as it sounds, some people are only meant to enter your life for a short period of time. Those are the people, though, who change your life forever. That’s what he did to me. He was only in my life for three years, but because of him I will never be the same. It is all very bittersweet. A part of me wants to erase all of my memories of him, so I won’t feel the pain anymore. Life would be so much easier if I could just forget about his existence and what he did to me. If I could just lock up those painful memories and fill the void in my head with images of meaninglessness. But the other part of me is so grateful for our experiences. I have never felt a love so strong before and I don’t know if I ever will again. Our love was the kind of love that could do the impossible. It's the kind of love that radiates off of you and affects everyone around you. It is very sobering to know that you could love so hard that it feels like agony, and then lose it all in an instant. I mean, he pretty much died to me. I’m not allowed to see him anymore and our memories and pictures and lives ended the day we broke up. That’s the day he died. It definitely makes you more appreciative for the people and things you have in your life. Especially for the people who are selflessly here for me when all I can do is take and cannot fathom giving anything back. I am being selfish right now and I hate it, but it’s all I know.