Hello Stranger

Last night I had a breakthrough--instead of fighting for no reason over something that I made up in my head, I realized he did nothing wrong and got over it. And today we are not fighting nor am I doubting his feelings for me nor am I considering calling it off. Again. I'm so proud of myself. I may actually keep this one around this time! More details to come later....but for now, just know that I am happy and am heading in the right direction toward a healthy relationship!

6 months

This Friday we will have been broken up for 6 months. I will not have seen his face for 4 months, nor heard his voice for 2. And for the first time in 1 1/2 years, I'm ok with it. You see, I recently realized that I have fallen for another man. He is sweet and funny and actually listens to what I have to say. I could see myself with him for a long time. Unfortunately, I let my previous relationship spook me into not trusting him and the moment I thought he may not feel as strongly for me as I do him, I completely shut him out. And now the awesome relationship he and I were starting to develop stopped dead in its tracks. I apologized for doubting his feelings, for flipping out on him for no reason, but it didn't seem to help. He's different with me now. I mean, he still wishes me a goodmorning every morning, but his texts went from "mornin' babe =-)" to "mornin." He doesn't call me babe or dear anymore, just ash. And now he said he wants to think about things and that he wants to talk with me but I shouldn't worry. Please, if anyone truly knows me, then they know I'm going to worry. Rarely is a man wanting to have a talk with a woman a good thing. I know what's about to happen, and all I can do is blame myself for the outcome. I messed up big time. I've never really regretted anything in my life, but if this relationship ends, he has the satisfaction of knowing that it would be my first regret.

I officially do not ever want to see Cy again.

Live like you were dying

That's my new motto for life... Life is really too short for people to stress on the small, insignificant things. The things that won't matter a year from now. All that matters is your own personal happiness. I'm realizing each day what a strong, confident, interesting woman I'm becoming. People actually lean on me as their rock. They look up to me for ideas on how to handle things. I went from being the one always looking for answers to the one providing them.

I'm not that much of a religious person, but I pray for him. I pray he finds whatever he is looking for and doesn't let anything, even me, get in the way of his happiness. He is an amazing person with a beautiful spirit and he is dealing with a lot of difficulties right now and I just pray that he can keep focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel. It'll be ok, my love. Life will work itself out. Just be patient and try to do the best you can and you will see. That's the beauty of life--it throws obstacles in your path so that when you do reach happiness, you'll be so much more appreciative. I am so much more appreciative now. I appreciate the small things...the wind, sitting in the middle of a book store reading, the water on my feet... Life is so beautiful. I just pray he realizes that. Life is so beautiful, my love, and these struggles will make you a very strong, wise, appreciative man. You will have an amazing life because of what you are going through right now. And I just pray the girl you end up with realizes how bright you really shine. Don't settle for anything less. I won't let you settle for anything less. I still want to be there for you. I made a commitment to you and I'm not one to give up. My strength and my weakness--my loyalty. Stay beautiful, my love. I pray you realize sooner than later that you can make a difference in this world. I pray you stay focused on the positive and persevere and you will get your happy ending. I promise.

Just when I get a grip on things

Well, it's been a while. I packed up all his stuff from our apartment and gave it back to him. He wanted me to just throw it all away, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't toss out his stuff. His weights, clothes, presents I got him.....our life together. I couldn't throw our life away. That was two weeks ago and we hadn't talked since then. I stopped checking my phone every 5 minutes for his call. I accepted the fact that he left me for another woman and they were going to be together. I was starting to accept the fact that our lives would go on seperately. That our story was over and it was time for us to start new stories apart. That part I'm still trying to accept. And then yesterday he calls me at work. My coworker had brought in her beautiful 8-day-old baby girl for us to meet and he called me. As I was staring at the miracle of life and realizing life goes on and happiness is in my future, and then my past calls me. I didn't answer. I texted the number and asked what was going on. I got a text back saying that my ex was acting weird. Immediately my heart began racing and my mind ran through a million scenarios. Is he hurt? In trouble? So I immediately call and my ex answers the phone. We talk for about a half hour. He tells me again that he misses me, he's not happy, he thinks he made a mistake, he can't move on, etc. It all sounds great but I can't believe it when he is still dating another woman. When he has to hide me and can only see me when no one else knows where he's going. That's not the kind of relationship I want. I told him that he needs to find happiness. That he needs to do whatever he can to make himself happy because life is short. If he really does miss me and thinks he'd be happy with me, then he needs to do whatever he can to make that happen. His life is shitty, but he's letting it be shitty. I told him to get his passion back. Hopefully he listens.

It was really great to hear his voice. Reminds me how much I miss him...

To My Love

15 march 2009

Dear Love,

I hope you watched that youtube video of us I sent you the other day. i also hope you go back and reread all the myspace messages you sent me and i sent you, as well as look at our pictures and read the love stories we wrote from our own perspectives. And I know you’re too stressed out now and caught up in the moment, but I do hope one day it makes you cry. Not because I think you deserve to feel pain, but because at least then I’d know you were at least a tiny bit human. I spent over a year of my life defending you, believing in you, supporting you. It makes me so sad that I fought so hard for you and it turned out you were exactly what everyone said you would be. You are a liar, manipulator, con artist, and selfish jerk. You played me big time. And what’s even sadder is that you are so messed up in the head that I’m sure you truly believe you never played me. after you and jenn broke up, I went onto your myspace to try and see what you were all about. That’s when I figured everything out. You had messages from Adriana, where you were telling her how much you hurt jenn and how sad you felt about it. You also had a picture of the two of you kissing on your profile. I then realized that you were playing me. you made me believe that she meant nothing to you and that the moment the baby was gone, you’d leave her for me. well, according to jenn’s bulletin, she had her period and you never called me. you never had any intention of making yourself a better man so you could marry me. that's so sad that i believed you with my whole heart. but don’t worry, because I’m happy you never called. Our breakup made me realize that I dodged a massive bullet with you. You are spiraling downward and until you reach rock bottom, you will not even consider getting help for yourself. I do not want to waste the few years of life I have on this earth trying to save a man, i mean "boy", who doesn’t want to be saved. So, in that respect, thank you for screwing me over. Because even though I am in more pain than I have ever felt, I am beginning to see that there is life after you, and shockingly enough, it might even be better. I am discovering who I am now. Last night I went out with alena and 4 girls I had never met before. We all went to second Saturday, that art walk they have in midtown. I had more fun last night than I have had in a long time. I realized that life is short and bittersweet and that I can find happiness even in the worst situations. I am going to start taking yoga, dabble in painting and possibly start traveling. Even though you always told me that you supported me, you never really did. You never encouraged me to try new things nor did you make me feel confident enough to want to do them. I am realizing that I don’t need you to feel confident. I know right now that you are really messed up in the head and cannot comprehend the extent of the damage you have created, but one day reality will hit you like a ton of bricks and you will realize that everyone has moved on except for you. I have no doubt in my mind that you can do and get whatever you want, but if try to win me back, you will fail. I deserve to be a man’s number one, not his number two. You only called me when you and jenn were fighting and you wanted a break. I deserve a man who will call me when he’s having the best time of his life, because I am so important to him that he would gladly take a minute just to say hi and that he was thinking about me. I deserve a man who will buy me calla lilies on a random Tuesday afternoon. I deserve a man who means it when he says he wants to take care of me and give me foot rubs. You really are like obama, all talk and no action. I am so excited for the day you realize you have control over your own life and you start actually trying to live it for yourself. When that day comes, call me. because like I told you years ago, I always want to be a part of your life. But you ruined the possibility for us to ever be together again. That mark on your neck will be a constant reminder for the rest of your life of how badly you hurt the people who cared the most about you. and guess what? I am going to be your only ex-girlfriend who doesn’t want you back, because the bad times between you and I definitely outweigh any good times we had. And if you think you want to try and win me back, read the lyrics to these songs so you’ll know how I feel: “what goes around…comes around” justin timberlake, “never again” justin timberlake, “take a bow” rihanna, and “white horse” taylor swift. Goodbye. And even though it’s hard for us to see the light at the end of the tunnel, my future husband thanks you so much for letting me go. Because of your stupid, selfish mistakes, he will get his happy ending and so will i.

Love, ash

“Life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride”

Those words have never rung more true. A part of me wants to give up and spiral downward, like my other half is doing right now. I want to be a tragedy and give up on life completely. I want the world to know, especially him, that when our love died, I died. I want him to come to my funeral and stand there and realize he killed me. I want the pain of his guilt to pierce his soul and make him buckle at the knees. I want to mean something to him and I want him to know that I gave him everything of me and he killed it. Most of all, I just want his attention. I want to be important in his eyes. I want what we had back. I want to feel like his one and only again. Those are all wants, though. What I really need is to find my own happiness. And I need to move on, because by me leaving it up to him to make me feel better, I am giving him power over me. I cannot change what he has done or how he feels, but I sure can change what I do and how I react. I need to realize that as sad as it sounds, some people are only meant to enter your life for a short period of time. Those are the people, though, who change your life forever. That’s what he did to me. He was only in my life for three years, but because of him I will never be the same. It is all very bittersweet. A part of me wants to erase all of my memories of him, so I won’t feel the pain anymore. Life would be so much easier if I could just forget about his existence and what he did to me. If I could just lock up those painful memories and fill the void in my head with images of meaninglessness. But the other part of me is so grateful for our experiences. I have never felt a love so strong before and I don’t know if I ever will again. Our love was the kind of love that could do the impossible. It's the kind of love that radiates off of you and affects everyone around you. It is very sobering to know that you could love so hard that it feels like agony, and then lose it all in an instant. I mean, he pretty much died to me. I’m not allowed to see him anymore and our memories and pictures and lives ended the day we broke up. That’s the day he died. It definitely makes you more appreciative for the people and things you have in your life. Especially for the people who are selflessly here for me when all I can do is take and cannot fathom giving anything back. I am being selfish right now and I hate it, but it’s all I know.

Gotta Have Faith

So, I have control issues. It's so hard not knowing things and not having things go your way. This morning he told me we'd hang out today. Well, 8 hours later.....nothing. I'm trying so hard not to text him, call him, seem too available....it's horrible. Apparently she moved out today. They're still on eachother's myspaces, though. I gotta give it time. I gotta have faith. The Serenity Prayer is helping me out a lot:

"God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

I cannot change what he does. I can choose to not wait around though. All I can do is try so hard to let things go. Let the control go. Let the desire to know everything all the time go.
The less available I am, the more he'll want me. I know he loves me. I know he wants to make it work with us. He wants to go with me to therapy on Friday. His mom thinks he's only going because I'm bugging him, but he told me that he already planned on going, without me even mentioning it. He also calls me everyday. And he loves me. I cannot get out of his head, which is good. He is definitely not perfect, but no one is. Apart of me really wonders why I would take a man back that has another woman's name on his neck. Never in a million years would I think that of me. But I guess it's true that you don't truly know someone 'til you walk a mile in their shoes. Being with him just feels right. I'm a firm believer that if someone makes a mistake, if they really want to work it out, anything's possible. I'm hoping this is true for us. If not, we've already been broken up for 20+ days. I'm already in the healing process. I've already cried all the tears. Only time will tell where my life will go...

The saying that if you want to tell God a joke, you'd tell him your plan really applies to me right now.

We'll see.

I haven't slept in 36 hours

I never not sleep. This is weird. I have to wonder why my body doesn't want to hibernate. So my ex is currently fighting with the girl he is dating but supposedly doesn't care about. And because they are fighting, he's neglecting me. Ignored me all day. Ugh. It's frustrating. I don't know how to handle situations like this. The last thing I want to do is be too pushy and push him away, but he has to meet me in the middle. If I had to describe where he and I stand right now, I'd use this phrase loosely: we're working on it. Ha ha. The fact that I am even considering having a life with him still angers both my family and friends. They all believe that I deserve better and that I should just focus on the important things in life and let Mr. Right find me. They don't understand our love, though. No one does. People keep telling me stories about similar situations with devastating outcomes, like I'm supposed to take the advice and steer clear of the trouble. What they don't get is that I've listened to everyone my entire life when it came to who I was and what I would do. I was always happy, but never fulfilled. He fulfills me. He has forced me to look within and ask myself what I really want. If no one else in the world had an opinion, and I was free to do as I please, what would I really want? Him. This jackass of a man is the one for me. It's complicated...

What To Do

What do I do when I trust a man that everyone thinks is lying? The love of my life told me he missed me yesterday. He told me that he made a mistake and by being apart, he realized how much he couldn't live without me. It sounds perfect. Of course, the day that I create a blog to try and move on with my life without him is the day he decides that he made a mistake. Perfect timing! He told me that he never cheated, that he only lied about it to get me as far away from him as possible. He also told me that he never got an STD, again, only lying about it to push me away. Apparently this girl that he is supposedly in love with is yet another scheme to get at me. According to him, she means nothing to him and he doesn't even know if she's pregnant. And if she is, she's having an abortion. Oh, and the tattoo of her name on his neck. Yet another reckless decision he made because he didn't care. Does he regret it? Yes. Is he going to remove it? Yes. Ha ha. All of my questions answered, wrapped up in a pretty little bow. Where do I go from here? I know him. I know he'd never cheat on me. He can be pretty selfish sometimes, but he would never intentionally hurt me. So, how can I divide the truth from the possible manipulation he is using to get what he wants? I mean, how can I date a man with another woman's name on his neck? Well, checking the results of his STD test would rule that out, as well as my suspicion of his cheating with one girl. And the other? I can only take his word as truth. The pregnancy? I still doubt it's his kid because he has only known this girl for a month and she is not a loyal girl, if ya know what I mean. And that hideous tattoo...

Ugh. What am I going to do with him? This guy better be trying double-time to win the love of his life back. Because she can't deal with this crap!

Until next time....

Why I'm Now Blogging

Blogging has been around for years, and yet I am now chosing to join the club. Why? Because I realize that putting your feelings down in writing takes so much weight off your shoulders. I don't have to carry the burden anymore. Plus, I'm sure my family is tired of hearing me talk about the same things everyday. I am going through one of the toughest times in my life right now and I don't know what to do. I am torn. I am literally at that fork in the road. I'm hoping that by writing my feelings down, I'll find clarity and maybe look back on these posts and find that the answers I had been looking for were here all along. Right now I am experiencing heartbreak, lonliness, vulnerability, confusion, anger, weakness, embarrassment, and depression. I have never felt some of these feelings before, and the one's that I have felt, never to this magnitude. I'm just hoping that through my writings I'll get the old me back. The Aysh that had the whole world going for her. The one that believe that loved conquered everything. The Aysh who knew what she was all about and would never compromise her morals or values for others. I miss her. I know she's in there somewhere and I can't wait to meet her again. She was slightly naive and had few life experiences, but at least she knew that her happy ending was out there and would not settle for anything less. I hope I meet her again someday.

Until my next post....